I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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