You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
