im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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