my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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