PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
