your parents love me but you hate me
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
