Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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