Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
