1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
