Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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