I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
