don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
