i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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