I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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