i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
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