I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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