Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
