Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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