He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
