I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
