Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Even my vagina gasped.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
