I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
