My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
