please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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