I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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