Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
