So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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