yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
