I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
