Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
