You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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