what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
