i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
