we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
sarcasm needs its own font
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Randomize
