You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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