what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
