it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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