I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
