I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
