I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
