Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
