I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
