She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
