i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
