Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
