ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
