dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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