May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
