On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
