butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
