her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
